School Play 1: Getting To Know Y-Ouch!
by TARDIS9
Summary: Inspired by Laurel And Hardy. An imagining of a similar duo within a school environment. When Year 2 teacher Olivia Harley finds herself in need of a new class assistant, she has no idea what she's letting herself in for. As soon as the new assistant arrives, a normal registration session quickly turns into a scene of chaos...


Main Cast list:

Sean Lauren - Olivia's assistant in all tasks. Thin and long-faced. A kindly man, and sensible, but naïve, gullible and clumsy. Wears a flat brown cap, and a tweed suit, with brown tie. Tends to often mistake meanings, and often ends up in trouble with Olivia. Based on Stanley Laurel.

Olivia Harley - Year Two Teacher -mostly. Average, and round-faced. Wears a red beret. Also kind and sensible, but naïve, slightly gullible (less so than Sean) and authoritative. Tends to be short on patience with Sean's mistakes, but more patient to children. Based on Oliver Hardy.

Getting To Know Y-ouch!:

 _Scene opens up on a classroom, brightly coloured, with poster of the alphabet, pin boards, and map of the world on any and each of the boards. Array of round tables and chairs surrounding teacher's desk._ _ **Olivia**_ _is sitting at said desk._

Olivia ( _VoiceOver_ ): ( _sighs._ ) Another term, another new class. I love working with children, but I sometimes felt bored with my life. Wearing my red beret, and with my side-bag in the front of the seat next to me, I started my car's engine and drove off, deep in thought. I had a lot on my mind. During the summer, my old class assistant had been promoted to a Year Three teacher, and interviews for the new class assistant had not gone well. Most of the candidates had had either too bad a criminal record, to put it mildly, or had had so many other commitments at home and at their old jobs, that they, despite what they tried to tell me, just hadn't had the time for being a class assistant. The only one I liked the look of had been sent to me via email, when I was on holiday with her parents in Wales. God, I had needed to get away from work - even if it had rained all the time, at least travelling, spending time with family, and going to places like the Tallylyn Railway had given me something else to think about, and (except for the weather) enjoy. The record of the new assistant I had seen showed him to be very different to me. He was attractive, in a way, like me, but was thin, and with a long face. Me, well, I am what I am, but I'm able to get on well with children personally. This new assistant, Sean somethingorither, Laurel or something, I thought, like that famous actor (my name, Olivia Harley, also sounded like another famous actor, some guy called Hardy), had been to university, and got quite good A-Level results. His description in his references was slightly encouraging. Kind and sensible, but clumsy and naïve, I thought it had read. I too am kind and sensible, and was, I thought, clearly more aware of my surroundings. At least, my new assistant might make my life more interesting than it is at the moment. I …

 _Great murmuring outside classroom. Olivia gets up, and stands in door to corridor. Rest of stage lights up, reveals corridor, with coat hooks, pin boards and boot-stalls on either side, with great crowd of children, between Years One and Five of school in middle, surrounding classroom door to door saying 3 H. Two men in middle, one is_ _ **Sean**_ _, the other is another teacher,_ _ **Mr Hardy**_ _, wearing black suit, bowler hat, and Oliver-Hardy-esque moustache._

Sean: But I was told to come here.

Mr Hardy: Nonsense, my class assistant's already here!

Sean: But I thought this was 2 H!

Mr Hardy ( _points to sign on door_ ): Does this look like a 2 to you?

Sean: Well, yes, slightly, you see it… ( _looks closely at sign, winces and blinks, disappointed_ )

Olivia: Excuse me.

Sean glances at her, looks back to Mr Hardy, jumps in surprise, looks at Olivia.

Sean: Mrs Olivia Harley, I presume?

Olivia ( _brings beret to breast height, twiddles beret, laughs, blushing_ ): Not as such, unfortunately, in fact the opposite.

Sean: Do you mean Mister?

Olivia ( _annoyed_ ): No! ( _Groans silently_ ) Miss Harley, if you must know!

 _Sean looks at audience, raises eyebrows in surprise, walks to Olivia._

Sean: Good morning, Miss Harley, I trust you were expecting me?

Olivia: And to whom do I have the honour of addressing?

Sean: Well, I…

Olivia: Well?

 _Sean pauses, hesitating._

Sean: Well, I…

Olivia: Well?

 _Sean hesitates, again._

Sean: Well, I…

Olivia ( _annoyed_ ): Well?

Sean: Well, I…( _looks confused, as though he's just realised something_ ) I forgot what what you asked me.

Olivia ( _demanding_ ): What's your name?

Sean: Sean. Erm, Sean Lauren, miss.

Olivia: ( _exasperated sigh, looks to children. Face brightens up_ ) Well, hello, and come in, children. ( _Children enter classroom_ ) Just sit down on the carpet in front of my desk over there, and we'll do the register before assembly, check you're all here, eh?

 _The children and Sean sit down on the carpet_.

Olivia: Now, class…( _sees Sean_ ), erm, Mr Lauren? ( _Beckons him with hand to stand up. He does so_ )

Sean: Yes, miss.

 _Children laugh. Olivia gives Sean a look to kill._

Olivia: Could you come to the front, please?

 _Sean does so._

Olivia: ( _gestures to Sean_ ) This, children, is Mr Lauren, our class assistant, and my name is Miss Harley. I am your teacher this year. Well done for finding your own way here, by the way! Would you take a seat please, Mr Lauren?

 _Sean picks up chair behind Olivia's desk_.

Now, children, I'm about …

Sean: Where shall I put the chair?

Olivia: Oh, just somewhere over … NO! ( _Grabs chair back, puts it behind desk. Children laugh_ )

Now, please take a seat!

 _Sean looks at audience, confused, picks up chair again_.

Sean: ( _looks at her_ ) You serious?

Olivia: ( _annoyed_ ) Yes!

 _Olivia turns to children. Sean looks at audience, uncertain, picks up Olivia's chair._

Now, I'm about to do something called ( _tries to sit, but chair is not there, and so.._.)

( _In pain and shock_ ) Ooh!

 _she falls to the floor. Children laugh. Olivia gets up, leans on desk, glares at Sean. Goes to him, trying to smile._

Give me that ( _angrily_ ), … ( _tries to smile, kindly, but fails_ ) please!

 _Sean hands her chair. She puts it down behind desk._

Olivia ( _smiling through gritted teeth_ ): Will you PLEASE SIT DOWN?

Sean: Where?

Olivia: Anywhere! Now, children, we're about to do something called 'Getting to Know You'. I'll …

 _While Olivia speaks Sean looks at audience, again confused, sits on Olivia's chair. Olivia doesn't notice this, sits on his lap, jumps up in surprise, drags him off chair, children laughing all the while._

Olivia: Sit down anywhere, but not on my chair!

 _Sean sits on one of the other chairs, a chair too small for him_.

Now, children, we're about to do something called 'Getting to Know You'. I'm going to call out the register, and the person whose name I call out puts their hand up, and tells me something about themselves. Now, then…

( _looks at register_ )

Sean… ( _about to say name of a student, but Sean quickly answers, his hand raised_ )

Sean: Hello, I'm Sean, and I like painting and Care Bears!

 _Children laugh. Olivia groans._

Olivia: Yes, very nice, Mr Lauren, but I wasn't talking to you. Now, Sean…

Sean: I just told you. I'm Sean, and I like painting and Care Bears!

 _Children laugh. Olivia groans again._

Olivia: Mr Lauren, will you please stand in the corner over there? ( _Points to corner nearest doorway. Sean moves over to there.)_

Olivia: Now, Sean…

Sean ( _facing corner_ ): I keep telling you, I'm Sean, and I like painting and Care Bears!

Olivia: Mr Hardy, will you please wait outside the classroom?

 _Sean walks outside, stands in corridor. Door is left open._

Olivia: Now, Sean…

Sean: Look, for the last time, I'm Sean, and I like painting and Care Bears!

 _Children laugh. Olivia seethes with rage._

Olivia ( _shouting_ ): Mr Lauren! Back here! Now!

 _Sean walks back into room. Olivia snatches his cap, stuffs it into his mouth, enough to gag him, but not choke him_.

Olivia: Now, then ( _sees Sean taking cap out of mouth_ ) Sean ( _quickly leaps on Sean, gagging him with her hands_ ) Abercrombie!

 _Sean struggles against Olivia, who tries to keep her grip._ _ **Sean Abercrombie**_ _stands up. He is a six-year old, nearly seven, and is wearing green socks, maroon shorts and a black Thomas and Friends T-shirt, with red sleeves._

Sean Abercrombie: I'm Sean, and I like animals.

Olivia ( _still struggling to keep Sean quiet_ ): Well done! I love animals, too! Just give me a moment, children (Sean, in attempt to get Olivia off him, reaches for large object in room, a globe of the world) and I'll…( _Sean hits Olivia with globe. Olivia cries in pain_ ) That's it!

 _She grabs Sean's cap, stomps on it. Sean, in anger, then grabs Olivia's beret, throws it out the window. Olivia grabs his tie, pulls it tight, peanutting Sean. Sean grabs a felt tip pen, draws a moustache and monocle on Olivia. She grabs a felt tip pen, and draws eyelashes and cheeks on Sean. He puts hand in her bag, pulls out papers, tears them to shreds, throws shreds on her. Olivia picks up chair, throws it over Sean's head, so chair rests on his shoulders, while head appears through chair. Olivia is about to hit Sean with a folder, but Sean turns, knocking over Olivia, forcing her onto her desk, which collapses underneath her, while Sean, unaware of what has happened, picks up another folder, hoping to use it to block Olivia. All the while, the children laugh, their laughter growing with every attack made. Olivia picks herself up from desk, silently._

Olivia (to children): Class dismissed. Go outside and play.

 _Children do so, and run into hallway, get coats on. Olivia goes to light switch, turns lights off, once children are out of classroom. Blackout in classroom area, lighting in hallway. Most of the children have gone, but some children, Sean Abercrombie amongst them, stay behind and listen at door. They hear sounds of several things breaking, and clothes being torn, and look at each other with worried faces. Finally, after two minutes, Olivia walks out. She picks up mobile, oblivious to shocked expressions of children._

Olivia ( _on mobile_ ): Hello, I'd like the ambulance, please. This is St Bernard's School, Berkeley. We have a concussed teacher, here, dressed only in his underwear, looking like he's been in a fight with someone.

END


End file.
